"This book is literally a life saver and couldn't have come into my life at a better time.

Audrey writes about the everyday business of death whether it is from suicide (her son), her granddaughter (at birth) or her husband of many years. She is open and honest about everything from dealing with people who want to "help" to enjoying a one person sexual encounter and not feeling guilty or "bad" about these feelings. They do not stop just because my husband is dead, I'm not. It's OK to want to be alone if that works for me or there are many suggestions to join groups and she lists them in the book. Everyone grieves in a different way but there are some things that are the same.

Not having any kind of service for Bill may have been a mistake but to the people who counted, me, Keli and his brother Harvey it didn't matter. Bill didn't want any kind of service not even a celebration of his life and this is something I do everyday. His friends and colleagues may not have understood as I went against "tradition" but I did try to honor his wishes. I don't need to hear from anyone how great he was, I know that. I still am confused about "closure" and Audrey discusses this in good detail.

She talks about not staying "holed up" at home to grieve, get out or as you like to say "fake it 'till you make it". There will always be pain but it does ease up. The reason it hurts so much is because I loved him so much.

I need to stop trying to be the "caregiver" that job is over for now, I need to let people take care of me. Life will not be the same and I need to recognize and cherish the changes, without them I cannot go forward and heal. She talks a lot about journaling and I think this is something I need to "force" myself to do. I've never been one to be organized enough to do this every day and that is OK, just start somewhere. I have to realize that I will lose a lot of friends since they are still a couple and I am only one. Some friends need to be weeded out and left behind if they are draining me, I've already seen some of this. Some people are just too high maintenance and just suck the life out of me. The grief is the same if someone is ill for a long time or dies suddenly.

I am also grieving for my role as caregiver, I no longer have this title which leaves me without him and a full time job taking care of him. Audrey talks a lot about structure (as you have) and has many recommendations, learning a new language, going to school, joining groups (I am NOT a group person, trust me), going on trips and in general just doing something new and different that I now have the time to do, I don't have to rush home to make dinner. She speaks a lot about angels at the end of the book. I have always believed in them, Henry is a great example. Angels come to us in different forms not always with wings and halos sometimes with fur and claws. All of the things that I have talked to you about are not unusual.

There are no rules for grieving, tears today, tomorrow or whenever even years from now and that's OK. There will be bad days, this is the part I don't understand and I keep playing some stupid kind of tape in my head over and over usually including Keli and her family. I'm beginning to think this may have something to do with my treatment (or lack of it) from my parents. I'm alone for the first time in my life and it's hard to get used to. Yet, I don't want to live with anyone, I like being alone in my house with my cats. I enjoy school and slowly but surely I'm putting my foot in the water puddle of moving forward in life, little by little. I'm not sure what I truly want out of life, I've never had that choice and of course money is a big problem right now. It's hard to make plans for things if you don't know where the money is. Keli and Ron have been playing donkey cart and carrot with me for so long that it almost became acceptable.

That's about all for now, I hope I gave you enough information about the book. I think it has had the most sound advice from any source. The suggestions, ideas, the "try this tip" on almost every page make this very easy to read (I couldn't set it down) and it's not too technical, "just the facts". She turned her personal tragedies into words of help and healing for me, I don't feel at odds or different. Just put one foot in front of the other everyday, have some structure, cry when I want, laugh when I want (it's OK to be happy) and have faith. There's a new and wonderful life just waiting for me out there so I must go out and find it, it won't show up on my doorstep."

Kathi
La Jolla, California